Category Archives: Personal

Throwback to Day One

Posted in Cost, Diabetes, Exercise, Food, Mental Health, Personal, Type 1 by

Nine years ago, this month, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. What exactly was going through my head that fateful day? I didn’t write much in those first few months getting to know my incurable chronic condition, but I did take the time to document my experience in the hospital post-diagnosis. The following excerpt would eventually inspire my book, Sugarcoated. I’ve trimmed some of the content for this blog.

Me writing in Paris a year before I found out I had Type 1 diabetes

I hear the drum of the metal cart on the tile floor, its rusted wheel curved backwards towards the slanted door. Its heavy frame makes a swishing sound when the nurse appears, and I cuddle beneath the thin scraps of my blanket. She checks my IV with a smile, and I no longer try to conceal my runaway tears. She says if I need anything to call, and she will be back in an hour to administer my long-lasting insulin injection. I hardly know what she’s saying, let alone believe that I need insulin to live. The door’s shadow disappears behind her, and once again, I’m left alone to the static television and a view of the parking lot.

I see the lights from a golf course in the distance and think of my boyfriend’s family on Easter, enamored with the flat screen television and shouting with each successful hole. I think of my boyfriend now sitting around the campfire at his aunt and uncle’s house with a good meal in his body – a meal I will potentially never feel again. He boasted about his aunt’s cooking all week, and I looked forward to a weekend with the family and then an afternoon at the Great American Ball Park with my co-worker and her boyfriend. They offered free tickets, four rows up from the dugout, and I even bought an outfit for the event (seeing as I never wore red). I packed my clothes on the way to the hospital in the hopes the doctor would discharge me by early morning.

I look at my flip phone with scratches on the screen, and I wish to see a blinking light, a sign of life, but the battery died from excessive texting. My roommate left me before I realized I had forgotten my charger. The University health center doctor set me up near his practice in Northern Kentucky so he could oversee things, but I feel so disconnected from everyone in Cincinnati. Even my boyfriend’s car could not make the drive across the river, and when my roommate left around dinnertime, I wished for morning. Continue reading →

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A Year of Forgiving Myself

Posted in Mental Health, Personal, Relationships by

On a hike along Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, my best friend and I reminisced over past relationships and our current single states. We evinced pride for putting ourselves first and focusing on our health and well-being. But then my friend mentioned something about forgiving herself – that even as we heal, we sometimes forget the blame we put on ourselves, even when we’re not to blame.

A month ago, I took a leap of professional development faith and attended a Bossed Up Bootcamp in DC. I had heard about the organization and its founder from a friend of mine, and I came to respect the organization and its mission even more when I listened to Emilie Aries on the podcast, Stuff Mom Never Told You. I didn’t really know what I wanted out of my career anymore, but as a woman, I wanted to feel empowered. I wanted to find the strength and stamina to continue to fight for the issues I believed in.

And while this may come as a surprise to many who know me, I actually do well in strange social situations. There is something about no one knowing who I am and where I’m from that gives me the freedom to play different roles and practice different personas. I love being in a room full of strangers. But it does take a lot of energy out of me.

Except I didn’t feel so free and excited at this Bossed Up Bootcamp. I had trouble connecting with folks. I felt excluded even though no one was excluding me. I couldn’t find the energy to “play pretend.” I couldn’t even find the energy to be myself. So, I just let myself be. I did get to know some amazing women, and I connected on an individual level with a few members of my cohort.

When I left that weekend, I felt exhausted and depleted. Why had that been such a struggle? These women all seemed so sure of themselves, and so sure that they were going to make it in the world. There is nothing wrong with that, but for some reason, I couldn’t emulate their excitement. I could only envy them for their energy.

At the end of Bootcamp, we were introduced to the Life Tracker. We chose a vision for four areas of our professional and personal lives: Work, Love, Wellness and Other. Then, we created three action steps for each vision. We gave ourselves motivations for achieving those action steps. And then, most importantly, we chose one vision to prioritize for the month, above all else.

It didn’t mean we couldn’t continue to work on all visions, but that we acknowledged doing everything at once is not always achievable (hear, hear, Type A persona). So, as much as I wanted to focus on my writing and my work for the month of February, I acknowledged that what I really needed was love. And my vision for love was “feeling supported.” Continue reading →

Never Apologize For…

Posted in Mental Health, Personal, Type 1 by

How you feel

Who you love

Who you are

Words of wisdom from a good friend of mine.

This past month, I have been struggling to keep the depression and anxiety at bay, but there is a sadness quietly overtaking me. I can’t pinpoint any one direct cause, but certain circumstances have destroyed my spirit time and time again. Just when I think I have built up enough resilience to conquer another day, another stumbling block takes me down.

I feel way too much. When I see others hurting, it hurts me, too. And I am seeing so many hurting right now (myself included). I try to focus on the small successes. Just last month, I visited my endocrinologist and learned I had decreased my A1C (average blood sugar levels over the past three months) by phenomenal measures. It’s crazy to think that when I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, I had an A1C of 16.0 (that’s not functional, by the way), and now I have an A1C of 5.8. Continue reading →

I’ve Stopped Reading the News

Posted in Diabetes, Mental Health, Personal by

Prior to leaving for my vacation more than a week ago, I wrote about how burnt out I felt, and how much I needed to unplug from the world and its ugliness. Well, I made sure of it. I visited a place where I had no service, and there was no talk of politics or world events.

But when I plugged into Twitter four days later and saw news of Puerto Rico and the Graham-Cassidy health bill, I immediately shut it off. I haven’t read the news since. That doesn’t mean I don’t care; I care too much. That’s why this past year has been tumultuous for my physical and emotional health. The constant tide of health policy warranted that vacation alone.

And that week away from the news helped me find some inner peace again. It reminded me that I could be happy with the “little” wins, that I could still physically thrive in this unsure health landscape, and that I could love among the worst of circumstances. So, when I returned to DC a week ago, I decided I wasn’t ready to handle the news just yet. Continue reading →

It’s All Mental (Except When It Isn’t)

Posted in Body Image, Diabetes, Exercise, Personal, Type 1 by

I’m 30. People said my metabolism would slow down the closer I got to this milestone. But it’s not just being 30. There’s something else I have to contest with – something called Type 1 diabetes.

I don’t have the energy I had when I was 22 or 25 or even 27. Something has changed in the past year. I’m exhausted all the time. I’m lucky when I can work out more than three times a week. Hell, I’m lucky when I can manage to do weights after a 10-hour work day.

Any kind of physical activity is a struggle. I want to be in shape. I don’t want to be overweight when I age, but over the last year, I’ve gained 10 pounds. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s hard for someone who used to have to body image issues to tell herself it’s okay I’m a little heavier. Continue reading →

I’m Burnt Out

Posted in Diabetes, Mental Health, Personal, Professional by

I’m finally on vacation. I should be excited, right? I was certainly excited leading up to this week. But right now? I’m burnt out.

Ever since I entered the professional 9-5 realm almost a decade ago, I haven’t had more than 10 days of paid vacation per year (and some years, I didn’t even have that). It’s a luxury — paid vacation. But as someone whose independent nature lends itself to a career of freedom and autonomy, the structure of the 9-5 can be a struggle. I mostly stick with it for the benefits (so far, it’s been the only way I can afford my diabetes).

But some things happened this past week that made me question how I’m spending the majority of my time and whether I am actually on a path to self-fulfillment. And then I realized just how exhausted I am from all the pressure — pressure from my body (diabetes), my bank account, my career, my relationships, etc. I know that I will be leaving in a few days to a mountain getaway, free from worldly distractions. Yet, I feel I am losing momentum and motivation. Continue reading →

Sometimes, I need to disconnect…

Posted in Diabetes, Mental Health, Personal by

When I was in college, I used to turn my flip phone off for days when I felt I needed to disconnect from the world. I was not depressed or perturbed. There are just moments when being around people and the conflict that comes with it is too much, and I need a recess.

In the day of smartphones, this type of disconnect has proven impossible, especially now that I monitor my blood sugar levels from my phone. Continue reading →

Not Another Chronic Condition

Posted in Cost, Personal, Women's Health by

I love growing older – there is something about the introspection and wisdom that comes with age that very much appeals to my self-aware self.

With a chronic disease like Type 1 diabetes, getting older also means my body may not be able to manage as well after years of undue stress. The fatigue has been quite noticeable in the past year so much so that I once thought there may be something wrong with my thyroid. But my blood work continues to show positive signs (well, minus the incurable chronic condition).

But diabetes is not the only ailment I’ve had to face in the last 10 years. It’s an issue I don’t often talk about because I am somehow ashamed of its existence. It took me years to feel comfortable telling folks I had Type 1 diabetes. But diabetes, at least in today’s day and age, is somewhat understandable. And there’s scientific proof it exists.

So, what about another incurable chronic condition, that while it has a name in the scientific community, is often dismissed by health care providers because there’s no evidence the pain exists? And just like diabetes, researchers do not know where it comes from or why it exists. But it plagues more than 12 million people in the US (mostly women). Continue reading →

I Have Hope

Posted in Cost, Diabetes, Insurance, Medical Supplies, Mental Health, Personal, Type 1 by

Today, the Senate proposed a revised version of a new health care bill that makes me want to run for some hidden woodland area and never return. I literally had the thought that maybe it would actually be better if I killed myself than live through another four years of health coverage trauma.

Don’t worry. I’m not having suicidal thoughts, and I definitely want to see what else life has to offer. But I do worry about my well-being. A few years ago, I was focused on the planet and what we could do for the environment for the sake of public health. And while I’m still passionate about those issues, it’s hard to be focused on the Earth when I can’t even guarantee my own life’s safety. Continue reading →

For what it’s worth, you’re good enough

Posted in Diabetes, Mental Health, Personal, Relationships by

Sometimes, I think, I am not good enough.

Good enough for what?

For relationships, for success, for happiness, for a sense of belonging, for peace, for victory…

This does not mean I think any less of myself or judge those who care for and support me. But there are moments in my life when I think I am starting to fall towards rock bottom, and I question my own worth. I’m not even sure where these moments arise or where they find renewal. But every so often, I am hit with a wave of emotion, and I buckle down and cry.

I throw a pity party, for sure. But I also question the point of moving forward. This type of criticism is what my life coach likes to call my “gremlins.” I like that term. I imagine some small hairy green monster – quite the opposite of the cute Gizmo from Gremlins – and I think, I am stronger than you. There is no reason I should let you get the better of me. Continue reading →