How you feel
Who you love
Who you are
Words of wisdom from a good friend of mine.
This past month, I have been struggling to keep the depression and anxiety at bay, but there is a sadness quietly overtaking me. I can’t pinpoint any one direct cause, but certain circumstances have destroyed my spirit time and time again. Just when I think I have built up enough resilience to conquer another day, another stumbling block takes me down.
I feel way too much. When I see others hurting, it hurts me, too. And I am seeing so many hurting right now (myself included). I try to focus on the small successes. Just last month, I visited my endocrinologist and learned I had decreased my A1C (average blood sugar levels over the past three months) by phenomenal measures. It’s crazy to think that when I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, I had an A1C of 16.0 (that’s not functional, by the way), and now I have an A1C of 5.8. Continue reading
The holidays are always a tough time for someone with Type 1 diabetes. I’m constantly surrounded by holiday treats and carb-heavy foods. Holiday parties tend to be the worst culprit.
This could be why I’ve been a bit anti-social lately. I don’t want to be tempted. This past year, managing my blood sugar levels became increasingly more difficult. Maybe it’s because I’m older and my body is less resilient? Maybe it’s because I “cheat” more than I used to? Maybe it’s because I’ve had this disease longer, and it’s starting to take its toll on my mental and physical health?
Maybe all of the above? I recently took out a life insurance policy. That felt weird. And although I do my best, I know there is no guarantee with this disease, and in case anything terrible should happen as a result, I want my loved ones to be taken care of. But in the meantime, I’m still rooting for me. Continue reading
Today is World Diabetes Day.
I get the World (some days).
I get the Day (sometimes).
But I don’t get Diabetes, not really, especially my type of diabetes. It’s called Type 1. I don’t know where it came from (spoiler alert: there’s no family history). The post-diagnosis tests revealed no evidence of an autoimmune disorder (that’s when the body attacks itself with no real motive).
Prior to leaving for my vacation more than a week ago, I wrote about how burnt out I felt, and how much I needed to unplug from the world and its ugliness. Well, I made sure of it. I visited a place where I had no service, and there was no talk of politics or world events.
But when I plugged into Twitter four days later and saw news of Puerto Rico and the Graham-Cassidy health bill, I immediately shut it off. I haven’t read the news since. That doesn’t mean I don’t care; I care too much. That’s why this past year has been tumultuous for my physical and emotional health. The constant tide of health policy warranted that vacation alone.
And that week away from the news helped me find some inner peace again. It reminded me that I could be happy with the “little” wins, that I could still physically thrive in this unsure health landscape, and that I could love among the worst of circumstances. So, when I returned to DC a week ago, I decided I wasn’t ready to handle the news just yet. Continue reading
I’m finally on vacation. I should be excited, right? I was certainly excited leading up to this week. But right now? I’m burnt out.
Ever since I entered the professional 9-5 realm almost a decade ago, I haven’t had more than 10 days of paid vacation per year (and some years, I didn’t even have that). It’s a luxury — paid vacation. But as someone whose independent nature lends itself to a career of freedom and autonomy, the structure of the 9-5 can be a struggle. I mostly stick with it for the benefits (so far, it’s been the only way I can afford my diabetes).
But some things happened this past week that made me question how I’m spending the majority of my time and whether I am actually on a path to self-fulfillment. And then I realized just how exhausted I am from all the pressure — pressure from my body (diabetes), my bank account, my career, my relationships, etc. I know that I will be leaving in a few days to a mountain getaway, free from worldly distractions. Yet, I feel I am losing momentum and motivation. Continue reading
When I was in college, I used to turn my flip phone off for days when I felt I needed to disconnect from the world. I was not depressed or perturbed. There are just moments when being around people and the conflict that comes with it is too much, and I need a recess.
In the day of smartphones, this type of disconnect has proven impossible, especially now that I monitor my blood sugar levels from my phone. Continue reading
A few years ago, I visited the National Aquarium in Baltimore, Maryland. My brother and I stood by the Blacktip Reef exhibit, and the tan and black dotted fins of the zebra shark caught my eye. It seemed to be blind, and we watched as it banged its head against the coral over and over again. Then, it would rest its belly on the bottom for minutes at a time, exhausted from its seemingly fruitless expedition. I thought it was the funniest thing to witness.
But when I turned to the information on the zebra shark, I learned that the shark does this to hunt for small fish and crustaceans hiding within the coral. It doesn’t need to swim to breathe so it rests on its belly in between hunting sessions.
Earlier today, I felt exhausted, too, from seemingly banging my head against the wall over and over again for the past seven months. I started to wonder if I was perpetually depressed due to the anxiety induced by our current political and health care climate. It was even starting to manifest itself in physical form – I’d had ongoing headaches and heartburn for weeks. Continue reading