I Am Bisexual: Confessions of a Former ‘Straight’ Person

Posted in LGBTQIA+, Personal, Relationships by

Author’s Note: No one experience is the same. This is my story. 

I first knew I was attracted to more than just boys at age 14 – my freshman year of high school. Her name was Lauren. 

My upbringing chalked this up to a product of my environment (I attended an all-girls high school). I witnessed first hand the repercussions of public displays of affection with anyone other than the opposite sex by Catholic educators and authority figures. 

So, while I did not outwardly dismiss those around me who chose to identify outside the perceived heterosexual norm, I dismissed my own feelings of attraction towards those assigned female at birth as fleeting, passing, and inauthentic to who I thought I was (or who I thought I was meant to be). 

I leaned in heavily towards my heterosexual identity, ensuring those around me that even with my reserved, private nature, I was very much attracted to men. My romantic interests in movies, books, television, and even my own writing further solidified this identity. 

I didn’t question my sexuality again for another 13 years. 

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They Can’t Take Away Her Dreaming: Why Cinderella is Now One of My Favorite Disney Films on Rewatch

Posted in Disney, Movies by

Author’s note: Over the pandemic, I watched 59 theatrical animated films created by Walt Disney Animation Studios in order of release. If you haven’t already, I highly encourage you to read the first post in the series, Snow White to Strange World: Re-visiting Disney One Animated Film at a Time.

Screenshots of Disney's Pinocchio

“I may be live bait down there, but I’m with you.” I certainly wish I had Jiminy Cricket with me during the darkest Disney trauma of the 1940s. 

But before we get to Pinocchio, we must not gloss over the blatant racism of the resource-limited 1940s and the one deleted scene from the still renown Fantasia. 

(Disclaimer: while I tried to educate myself throughout this process, researching and referencing external sources, my viewpoint is still limited, and I apologize in advance for anything I may have overlooked.) 

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Snow White to Strange World: Re-Visiting Disney One Animated Film at a Time

Posted in Disney, Movies by

Two years ago, I decided I would watch all the theatrical animated films created by Walt Disney Animation Studios in order of release.

Why? Because it was the start of Omicron, and I knew I was in for another long winter in isolation. And also, maybe I was bored? 

But during the pandemic, I got the idea from my brother to rewatch series of films in a particular order. Because, as we all know, having a routine with a goal in sight keeps the mind sane. 

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Grief in the Aftermath of COVID: Let It Be

Posted in Mental Health, Personal, Relationships by

Sometimes, you get hit with a wave of grief out of nowhere. 

I’m not sure I have figured out how to deal with my grief in the aftermath of the pandemic. Having lost three loved ones this past year (which could have just as easily been five), I sometimes feel frozen in time, struck by the parallel universe I now find myself in. 

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Thoughts on Grief and a Rare Kind of Connection

Posted in Mental Health, Personal, Relationships by

I always thought of grief as the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (not necessarily in that order). 

But what I failed to realize is that you never really get over grief. It leaves a void that can never be filled. And although you take comfort in the happy memories and the love you shared, there is an emptiness where that person was that will likely remain with you for the rest of your life. 

You learn to live with it — to eventually accept it. But it is always there. 

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Thirty-Something Problems: The Return of Chronic Conditions

Posted in Diabetes, Exercise, Mental Health, Research, Type 1 by

I’ll be honest. I’ve never had a great body. Thank you Type 1 diabetes for giving me enough hope in my teenage years to believe that I was on the path to averaging a 4.0 GPA in health and then squash my dreams in my 20s. It’s all been downhill (or maybe uphill?) from there. 

The diabetes diagnosis was enough. But then I had chronic bouts of interstitial cystitis, urinary tract infections, benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), iliotibial band syndrome, distal bicep tendonitis, and a brief scare of Hashimoto’s disease (thank goodness for second expert opinions), all before I hit my peak at 30. Or maybe that was supposed to be where my life ended? Maybe my body thinks I’m living in the early Middle Ages, so my peak was really at 12?

What was I doing at 12? Oh right, attempting to beat my record of an 11-minute mile in physical education (PE) class, so I wouldn’t be laughed off the track. Middle school was fun. So yeah, not my peak.

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The Holidays Mean A Little Bit More This Year

Posted in Diabetes, Mental Health, Personal, Relationships, Type 1 by

When I stood in line for my booster, I was reminded of the hope I had the last time I walked the halls of this community center – the elation I felt at the prospect of seeing and spending time with loved ones again without fear of death. 

After my brother’s short-term visit last November, I didn’t see another friendly face for three months. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s alone. And while I created coping mechanisms and relied on a community of support virtually, that isolation had serious ramifications for my mental health – some of which I am probably still processing. 

One of those community members who helped me through it was my 89-year-old Papaw, who’d recently discovered the wonders of gifs, emojis, and text (and who surprisingly shared a similar love of ABBA). He lost his life to COVID in September. So, as I approach this holiday season, it is hard to reconcile another winter without him. 

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Covid is No Longer a Statistic. It is a Loved One.

Posted in Mental Health, Personal by

I can’t pretend to speak for everyone’s definition of grief. But death is something I’ve thought about a lot in my short life.

I do not believe in an afterlife. But I do find comfort in the fact that those who I’ve lost are at peace – in the sense that they are not in pain anymore.

Regardless of a life spent, it always feels like they are taken too soon – that there is so much left unsaid. A life unspoken.

But then I think of all that was said. And the moments I will cherish for the rest of my life. As this Reddit post so eloquently puts it (thank you friend), the wave of grief never really disappears. And it’s better that it doesn’t. I am better for knowing them and loving them and being loved by them.

And for all the memories and moments we shared, it’s a quiet two-hour morning in early July that I remember the most. The stress of a loved one with addiction – however temporary – had just passed. And the stress of Covid – the virus that would eventually take them – has yet to pass.

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Life As We Know It

Posted in Diabetes, Mental Health, Personal by

It’s hard to write about things in the moment. I’ve attempted to document my thoughts and experiences throughout this pandemic. But it’s not easy to dwell on that which we already dwell too much on even if I know the writing will be therapeutic.

I’ve been the most absent from this blog this past year. When there is little life being lived, there is little, it seems, to write about. And yet this year has been tumultuous – 2021 even more so than 2020.

I did write a lot of fiction though. And I’ve had more than one story idea. I am at least thankful for that. My stories have helped me escape, and in a lot of ways, they’ve kept me going. Pandemic depression is so unlike any other depressive bouts I’ve experienced. It’s scary, too. 

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Norm in the Time of Covid

Posted in Animals, Mental Health, Personal by

Fears, doubts, anxiety, loss… 2020 is not a year I’d prefer to re-live. Back when COVID-19 turned our world upside down, and it seemed we were experiencing A Westworld of Our Own, I wrote:

I think that is what I am grieving now – for the person I once was and for the possibility I once envisioned for myself. That person cannot exist in 2020. She is gone.

It is true. The person I had hoped to be in 2020 never was. But the person who came out of 2020 was a lot more whole than I gave her credit for. And that is because of people like you – family, friends, and peers.

I came out of one of the loneliest months of the year joyful and hopeful. I learned that I often feel lonelier in a crowd than I ever do alone. Routine saved my sanity. And so I start 2021 feeling loved and supported.

That was my year. Norm, my eight-year-old black and brown tabby, has his own recap. Continue reading →